


i am a knife and you are bound to get cut by me

by whataboutmycape



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Gen, Project NEON au, how do you write kids? idk, it's a sad thing with a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-18 15:47:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10620072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whataboutmycape/pseuds/whataboutmycape
Summary: Ryan blinks, confused by the turn of events, and doesn’t really think about it before he asks, “Why were you leaning on the window?”





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Lamp Halo](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4626051) by [Kahnah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kahnah/pseuds/Kahnah). 



> so, I know NEON and all of Kahnah's multiverse is heavily based on music, and I LOVE immersing myself in all the background things of a verse, so I consumed like every song Sleeping at Last ever made and then I got really introspective and had a lot of feelings and started writing a lot of things. This was one of them. 
> 
> Based in particular on Light by Sleeping at Last, so you might want to listen as you read if you're feeling it! 
> 
> (Also, there are some spoilers for the beginning half of Lamp Halo - just some mentions of things that happen to the characters, so be aware of that)

It’s late, but Gavin is still awake, if only just barely. He has his head resting on his chin and his face pressed against the glass window of the living room. His heavy-lidded eyes are watching over the street, focused on the driveway. He’s not so worried about keeping his eyes open, as long as he stays awake. He’ll still be able to hear Ryan coming long before he’ll see him, anyway. 

It’s late, and he should be in bed, but Gavin couldn’t wait that long to see his guardian. He needs to see him immediately, to know for sure that he is okay. It’s the second best thing he can get since he couldn’t accompany Ryan on the mission. It was a sore spot, which he had still been fighting over with Geoff, ever since Ryan left without him. 

It’s late, and both Geoff and Jack told him to sleep, but Ryan is coming home. And Ryan didn’t tell him to go to bed. So Gavin isn’t going to bed, not until Ryan tells him to. 

Remembering the fight he got into with Geoff, Gavin sits up a bit further and huffs. His breath fogs up the glass, and he quickly picks his head up from leaning on his hand so he can wipe it away. 

It can be frustrating, sometimes. Only Ray and Michael truly understand how he feels, and he’s incredibly grateful for it - for Ray climbing on Geoff’s lap in the middle of the fight, right when Geoff started to hold his lips together in that thin line that meant no compromise - for Michael, who knocked on his door and told him as soon as Geoff and Jack both left the penthouse, that the coast was clear - for the fact that at no point in time did either of them try to stop Gavin, or dissuade him from his decision, because they all know the feeling of worrying over your gaurdian. 

From far off, Gavin can hear the ever loudening sound of a motorcycle, and he smiles. He lets himself relax again, pressing his forehead against the glass, knowing it won’t be long now before Ryan makes the right turn and pulls into the base. The roar of the engine coming closer is soothing now, equated directly to  _ Ryan  _ and  _ safe  _ and  _ home.  _

Gavin waits, holding his breath, as he hears the bike pull into the base and the engine cut off. He sits and he counts the beats of silence, thinks about Ryan’s routine that he has memorized by now - how he cuts the engine and then he plants his feet, kicks out the stand, one leg over and the other, takes his helmet off, shakes his hair out, puts the helmet away. Gavin pushes himself away from the window and runs for the door, knowing Ryan will open it any second now. 

When he does, Gavin wastes no time in running and jumping, trusting in his guardian to catch him, and Ryan does. Immediately Gavin burrows further in, his face tucked up into Ryan’s neck, and he completely misses the look of shock and surprise on Ryan’s face as his arms come up on reflex and curl protectively around the boy. 

“Gavin, what - “ Ryan starts, but he himself isn’t really sure what he was going to ask. The boy fills the silence, though, pulling himself back far enough to beam up at Ryan. Small hands come up to pat his cheeks and then rest on his shoulders, and Gavin is practically bouncing in his arms, all previous signs of exhaustion gone without a trace. 

“You’re back! And you’re not hurt! I knew you would come right back to the penthouse, so I waited up for you!” Gavin begins, babbling, and Ryan feels his eyes widen. Gavin doesn’t even notice, he just continues to talk, but Ryan isn’t hearing any of it, his mind stuck on the fact that Gavin sat up and waited for him to come home. Looking down at him now, Ryan can see how wild and disheveled his hair is, his eyes red-rimmed and sleepy, and his cheeks flushed. Walking further into the house, Ryan frees one of his hands and presses it to Gavin’s forehead, frowning when it feels warm. He can hear Gavin chuckling at him and Ryan pulls his hand away to look down, finding him still smiling in his arms. 

“I’m not sick, Rye, I promise. It was probably just from leaning on the window,” he says, and then rubs the back of one of his hands along his forehead, frowning. “Did I have a red mark? I must have looked so dumb!” 

Ryan blinks, confused by the turn of events, and doesn’t really think about it before he asks, “Why were you leaning on the window?” 

And he almost doesn’t regret asking, because Gavin brightens up, his smile returning even stronger and his hands coming back up to wrap around Ryan’s neck. “To look for you, of course! I told you, I waited up!” 

Ryan doesn’t say anything, doesn’t know what to say, and Gavin lets the silence fall for only a minute before his smile starts to falter. “Are… are you mad?” He asks, quiet, so different from the happy, wiggling lad he was only a minute ago, and it tugs at Ryan’s heart. Before he can answer, though, Gavin babbles on, “Geoff told me not to, he told me to go to bed, but I wanted to see you and I didn’t listen and - I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I know you said to listen to them but he is not my guardian,  _ you  _ are my guardian, and - and I missed you, Ryan, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have. Please don’t be mad at me, I’m sorry! I won’t do it again! I’m so sorry Ryan, I just wanted to see you!” 

As he started talking, Gavin just couldn’t stop himself, all the doubt and fear from the past few days spilling out. Ryan could feel the small hands tightening in the back of his shirt as Gavin hid himself, tucked under his chin, and Ryan squeezed his eyes shut as he curled his arms tighter around the boy as his words turned watery and unsure. One hand rubbed circles along Gavin’s back as the other went right to his hair, carding through it, trying to sooth him. Ryan tried to relax, tried everything he could to show the boy he wasn’t mad  _ at him.  _

No, Ryan wasn’t mad at Gavin. Ryan was mad at himself. 

Pushing everything down for the time being, Ryan cradles Gavin as gently as he can as he carries to boy to his room, shushing him down and soothing him. By the time they get to the bed, Ryan slowly sitting on the edge with Gavin still curled up in his arms, Gavin is breathing quietly and steadily once again, and has even poked his head out of his hiding spot in Ryan’s neck. His hair is even more messed up and his eyes are even more red and Ryan’s heart clenches, knowing that at some level, this is all his fault. 

“Do you want to go out together tomorrow? Just me and you?” Ryan asks, softly, instead of asking the boy if he’s okay, because he knows the answer better than Gavin probably does himself. It’s worth it, though, for the way his eyes brighten again, some of the life back, and Gavin squirms to stand up in his lap so he can look Ryan in the eyes as he asks, “Promise?” 

Ryan nods, “I promise,” and Gavin grins as Ryan smiles back. He leans forward, one hand going to Gavin’s forehead again so he can brush the hair back and kiss the top of his head before resting his cheek against it. Below him, Gavin clings once more to his neck. They stay like that for a moment, still and quiet, before Ryan takes a deep breath and says “let’s get you ready for bed.” 

It doesn’t take long to get Gavin into bed - after all, it is late, and he is young, and Ryan is home. There’s no reason for him to stay up anymore. 

Ryan stays in the bed with him; lets Gavin curl into his shoulder and use his chest as a pillow. Ryan curls an arm around him, and looking down, Gavin seems so small and fragile and vulnerable as his breaths even out and he relaxes in sleep. He’s still so young - it’s easy to forget, sometimes, when he sees this boy who is capable of so much, but skill doesn’t age someone. Ryan is reminded of the conversation in the safe house what seems like half a life ago - Gavin still so new to him and so unwanted. Curled up and tucked in, such a similiar and different picture to now, and Ryan can’t believe he told him monsters could open doors. 

Can’t believe he let him get captured. 

Can’t believe he let him get tortured. 

Can’t believe he made him wait up until four in the goddamn morning just so the boy could see him. 

Ryan buries his face in the bird’s nest that is Gavin’s hair and for the first time in years, he cries. Cries because he isn’t what the kid deserves, not by a long shot. He doesn’t know what to do with this - with the kid, with himself, with anything - and Gavin deserves so much better. Over and over again, Ryan has done nothing but fail him, in little ways and big ways, but even the little ones add up and up and up and Ryan can’t believe how stupid and oblivious he can be. 

Ryan can’t believe how much he cares. 

That’s what hurts the most, isn’t it? Finally, Ryan has found something that he cares about, something that he wants to protect and cherish and love, and he  _ can’t fucking do it.  _

Ryan cries because he can protect Gavin from bullets, from fights, from Kuebiko and the fucking project, but Ryan can’t protect Gavin from himself. Not like this. 

At five o’clock in the morning, crammed onto a narrow, twin-sized mattress with the child who has become nothing short of his world, Ryan makes a watery but unbreakable promise, pressed into the top of Gavin’s head with all the love and all the commitment that Ryan can muster. 

“I’ll soften my rough edges. I’ll teach you everything I know to protect you. I’ll hold you so close to me, and I’ll let you go to flourish the way you are meant to. I’ll give you everything you need. I  _ promise  _ Gavin, I’ll do better. I’ll be so, so much fucking  _ better. _ You are so important to me, and I will defend you until the day I die. I promise, I’ll do better.” 

It’s five o’clock in the morning, and Ryan is crying. Gavin doesn’t open his eyes, but his fists curl tight in the older’s soft, warm t-shirt.  A promise for a promise. 

They fall asleep just like that, both turned in to each other, tangled together and safe. Happy. 

In the morning, a few heads poke in to check on them, but no one wakes them up. Quietly, they are left undisturbed. Them, together, is more important than anything else in the world. 

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
